by: Jane Wilde

Humor Editor

Warning: Spoilers ahead

Alas, the iconic Stranger Things series has come to an end. All of us watched the finale in tears; some because they didn’t want the show to end, but others (me) cried tears of joy because season 5 was about as horrific as Will Byers’s bowl cut. 

The thing that made the final season particularly painful to watch was the dialogue. Every bullying scene was straight from a 90s romcom. “Well, well, well if it isn’t the traitor.” What next, are you going to steal his lunch money and give him a wedgie? As if the cringy bullying cliches weren’t enough, everything is an analogy in this show. “See this pen, imagine this is Will.” “This record player is Holly.” Enough. I’ve had enough. If I had a nickel for every time they used a microwave as an analogy for the Upside Down, I’d have two nickels. That’s too many nickels. 

After four seasons of anticipatory build up to the fight against Vecna, the battle scene in the finale was about as long as a Generation Alpha’s attention span. Maybe I could’ve enjoyed the final battle more if I weren’t so focused on the insane plot holes sprinkled every five minutes, including the lack of demogorgons. The infamous creatures are present for every battle, every season, yet when it’s actually time for them to pull through, they’re nowhere to be found. If you think that’s bad, it gets worse. Do you mean to tell me that Nancy and Hopper took out half of the military with ZERO consequences??

Don’t even get me started on “Conformity Gate”. Imagine making a finale so underwhelming that fans are convinced there is a secret 9th episode. One bad season and suddenly a strategically placed exit sign and one character remarking Hawkins “feels different”, is a potential easter egg for a 9th episode. 

Will’s coming out scene took years off my life. Lasting about twice as long as the battle scene and approximately 14 hours before all of Hawkins is destroyed, Will decides it’s the perfect time to tell everyone he likes boys. Meanwhile Holly is literally dying in the Upside Down with all the other kids. But NO, please Will, take your sweet time. Everyone is patiently waiting to hear vital news that will determine life or death, but is instead faced with the most predictable thing since sunsets. They’re all staring at him like, we BEEN knowing this. To justify the timing of this announcement, Will claims Vecna was going to use this secret against him as if he were going to physically fight him with a pride flag. Don’t get me wrong; coming out is essential to Will’s character arc, but this scene was executed more poorly than someone in a broken guillotine. 

They end the series where it all began, in Mike’s basement where they all play a whimsical game of Dungeons and Dragons. Per usual, Mike beats to death the ongoing metaphor of Dungeons and Dragons while insisting that there’s a chance Eleven is still alive. She passed away along with the 200ml of botox in her face (seriously, she was serving face all season). It then pans to Mike watching Holly, Derek, and other middle schoolers as they argue over who gets to play whom in a game of DND, repeating the infamous cycle of Stranger Things. Who’s going to tell Netflix we are not watching the children’s spinoff?

I mean, how can you create a finale so bad that fans create a theory that there’s a secret ninth episode? The worst part about conformity gate is that there are so many plot holes that the theory literally makes sense. People were finding some really good proof: a blank sign at graduation, Steve coaching baseball instead of basketball, wrong colored graduation robes, and so much more. I’m a little ashamed that I was a believer and logged onto Netflix Jan. 7 at 5 pm, only to be met with disappointment.