by: Jane Wilde
Humor Editor
It began with a simple deletion of TikTok. However, that wasn’t enough because I was still a victim to Instagram reels. Finally, I was brave enough to say goodbye to Instagram too, seemingly eradicating all potential opportunities for me to doomscroll. Boy was I wrong. It wasn’t long before I realized the system was built against us, not for us. There’s Snapchat spotlights, YouTube Shorts, even Pinterest Highlights. There’s no escaping the big bad social capitalism monster (otherwise known as Mark Zuckerberg).
You may be wondering, “What made me make the change?” and “What was the turning point?” It was the day I fell for AI. The viral bunnies bouncing on a trampoline made me realize I needed to put my phone down. In my defense, the bunnies looked REALLY realistic. This was particularly humiliating because I’m always making fun of my mom for sending me videos that are clearly generative AI. I finally hit delete. Delete– also the very term I traded “to get rid of” for, and finally realized I’d officially lost the plot.
Don’t get me wrong, being one with nature is great, but it has its downsides. For starters, since my journey of reconnecting with nature has begun, people have been accusing me of thinking I’m better than my brainrotted and incompetent peers, which is crazy. These bottom-feeders are really getting on my nerves.
Having been cleansed of all social media, I found myself staring aimlessly at my wall, unsure what to fill the time with. That’s when I discovered hobbymaxxing. I started diligently learning French, practicing guitar, writing songs, reading, and painting. I even went to a meditation class. Suddenly stepping outside became a whole new experience. I felt the wind swipe up against me in the same manner I used to swipe on reels, but better. The flowers smelled of a follow-back and provided push notification-type levels of dopamine. Everything was in 4K, and I no longer was going to scenic views to rate their scrollability but to look at them with my eyes.
Whether you’ve succumbed to several forms of doomscrolling or you understand just a little too many of your friends’ pop culture references, know that there is hope. The grass is greener on the other side of your phone screen, so go touch it.