By: Nelson Kramer
Humor Editor
One day, you’re a simple high school student trying not to crash out over AP classes, and the next, you’re signed to an endorsement deal with Dunkin’ Donuts, raking in millions of dollars every year.
Charli D’amelio, another ordinary high schooler, posted a video of herself dancing back in 2018. Now, not even a decade later, she is one of the biggest influencers on social media. Being thrust into the spotlight as a teenager is tough, but there’s no denying that her TikTok dancing days—something she’s admitted she wants to leave behind—have set her up for life.
With all the fame, money, and TikTok power Charli holds, people can get really jealous of her success. But hey. Who am I to judge? After all, I too, know the trials and tribulations of rising to fame at such a young age. While all the dependent losers scrambled to make their last TikTok videos before the January 19th ban took effect, I downloaded Red Note or Xiaohongshu in Mandarin Chinese. You have probably wondered what it’s like to wake up one day and realize you’re a huge hit overnight. Well, here’s the inside scoop of what life as a celebrity is like. In just one video, I went viral, and I plan to tell all of you plebeians about it!
When it comes to making TikToks, I’m a professional. My videos are comedic and easily digestible; this is the perfect combination that any simple-minded doom-scroller can understand. If you ask me how I do it, I’ll simply turn the other way; I don’t have any advice for being funny as it comes naturally to me. After all, famous people should never associate with lower life forms like the average Joe.
You may be wondering how I handle all my fanmail; well, the simple answer is that I don’t. I set up a P.O. box and haven’t gone to check it since. I’m sure by now they have to keep the TVs, Cars, flowers, and love letters in the back due to the critical overflow. Those people at the post office are so accommodating; I’m sure they treat all A-listers like me the same.
I really don’t understand why so many celebrities complain about death threats. All of them go straight to Twitter and tell their fans how scary it is to get a DM from a creeper telling them that they are outside waiting for them to go to bed. If you know me, you know I don’t associate with creepy lurkers on the internet; that’s why I borrow Trump’s Secret Service while he is asleep. Let’s just be honest: I am America’s treasured jewel; if anyone needs protection, it’s me.
A mere 12 hours after I had struck Red Note gold, some over-competent fool somewhere in the new presidential administration got TikTok back online in the US. The past, irrelevant Nelson would have jumped for joy, but this one hurt big time. I mean, come on, we can’t get simple legislation passed to slow climate change, but right as I get famous, they have to pull the rug out from under me. Maybe I should just move to China…