By: Sam Gruetter
Opinion Editor
Recently, baby names have gotten out of hand. Monster Truck Burrow Niche Rhode Island Coffee Shop is an unacceptable name for anything but a Monster truck burrow niche Rhode Island Coffee Shop. While many parents want their child’s name to honor the latest fad and compete for who can have the most unique name, let’s remember that Nyquil Chicken is no name for a child. While some people may hold the opinions stated above, I am not a part of that lonesome bunch. I am a full supporter of naming your offspring any name you pull from up the wazoo. Why? Why not, I counter.
I believe the names we have long used for our nation’s children are boring, tired, and an inaccurate representation of the parent or child’s personalities. For example, why are you naming your five-year-old son who still can’t tie his shoes or write his name after a founding father? Do you want him to live with the burden of having to match someone who confiscated the land of thousands just to write some papers that everyone hated? Doubtful. Don’t even get me started on the seconds, thirds, juniors, and seniors. At that point, just dedicate the time you spend finding a less creative name to building a time machine to reincarnate the loved one you are undoubtedly naming them after. I think Great Grandpa Papa John the First would appreciate that significantly more.
I believe it would be a grave disservice to all child-bearing communities alike to disregard Nara Smith, a social media figure and socialite who is iconic for her unique baby names. Smith broke the internet after telling over 9.8 million followers that she named her children Slim Easy Smith and Rumble Honey Smith, garnering mixed reactions from fans. What do I have to say about it? Bravo! I think these names are exquisite and make your children unforgettable to everyone they encounter. Tell me the last time YOU met a Slim or Rumble. Smith’s giving her children these unique names allows them to develop a strong sense of identity and sets them apart from other children their age.
To wrap up this developed cultural analysis I would like to encourage any and all readers to explore the potential child names they may be considering for their future offspring. An excellent strategy is to think of things you love and name your child after that. I also encourage you to have fun with spelling. The world is your okstshsjyster (see what I did there). Silent letters are an artist’s best friend. Another is to name your child after something you often forget. Try forgetting your belongings at home when you are staring into the eyes of your eight-year-old daughter, Wallet.