Humor

HUMOR: Stop Asking About College

by Sasha Ryu

Editor-in-Chief

Friends, family, and fellow El Gatans, 

Consider this an intervention. 

I’m currently a first semester high school senior. We all know what that means – I’m in the process of submitting my college applications! While I appreciate your interest in my future, unless you’re here to give me the 85 dollars I need to pay my USC application fee, I’m politely asking you to refrain from speaking to me about anything related to college. 

Don’t get me wrong, nobody is more excited about this opportunity than I am, but I think we can all agree that there is absolutely nothing you could possibly gain from listening to an alphabetized list of all of the universities I want to attend. I get that it’s an easy topic of conversation to fall back on when there’s an awkward silence, but I also have a lot of unresolved anger issues, and all of these well-meaning but torturously pointless questions are really, REALLY putting me to the test. 

Over the past six months, I’ve spent a lot of time in the shower having imaginary arguments with the people who ask me about “my plans for the future.” It can get Kardashian-level harsh. I feel bad for my mom. She’s definitely walked past the bathroom and overheard things like, “Stop living through me vicariously!” on more than one occasion. I also feel bad for the empty bottle of conditioner that I shout at during these fake conversations. Miss Olay did nothing to deserve this. 

I know I might be acting a little dramatic, but I swear, if I had a dime for every time someone asked me what I want to major in, I would literally have enough money to pay off all four years of my tuition. It is genuinely shocking to see when and where people think it’s the right time to ask about the ins and outs of my UC prompts. Inside the women’s restroom, at the optometrist, in the comment section of my Facebook post memorializing the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg – apparently any place at any time is “fair game” to these people. If I were to break all of my ribs in a terrible car crash, I bet the minute I regained consciousness one of my great uncles would be there to hand me a cup of hospital jello, then go right back to ranting about affirmative action. 

There is absolutely nothing interesting or meaningful that we could possibly talk about in regards to me applying to college. Maybe after I attend I’ll have some stories to tell, but all I’m doing at the moment is sitting in front of my laptop and answering a bunch of questions about my interest in Boston College’s Jesuit values. It’s not going to get more exciting after the fifth time you ask. Just trust me on that. 

Instead, why don’t we talk about penguins’ mating cycles? Or what about Target’s top-notch forensics lab? I’m even down to make a TikTok. Better yet, why don’t we talk about your fun memories from college? I would genuinely love to hear about that!

I love you all so much and that’s not going to change, no matter how much you ask me about my applications. But, I think everyone would benefit from a change in subject. So please. PLEASE. Let’s change the subject 🙂 

Thank you very much for your time. 

With all my love, 

Sasha

P.S. I wasn’t kidding about paying for my USC fee.

Categories: Humor, Web Exclusive

Leave a Reply